Are we affected by our Upbringing?
In Parashat Toledot, we learn about two special brothers, Jacob and Esau – their upbringing, and the relationships with their parents, whose issues and mistakes led to a dysfunctional family. No matter how dysfunctional they were, the stories in the Torah are meant to teach us principles that the Creator has given us to apply to our lives. It helps to know that the Torah is not chronological. For example, in chapter 25, Isaac was 40 when he married Rivkah (Rebekah), and soon we read that Rivkah gave birth to twins when he was 60. It doesn’t tell us what happened during those 20 years; then, suddenly, we read about the twins struggling in her womb, which is followed by Esau’s loss of his birthright when they were grown men. In the next chapter, Isaac faces another famine, forcing them to travel south to Gerar, when the Creator told him not to go to Egypt but to settle there and return. Isaac makes the same mistake his father did by lying to Abimelech about Rebecca not being his wife. It’s obvious, though, that at this point they hadn’t had any children. If they had, King Abimelech wouldn’t have paid her any attention.
We often read the Torah without taking the time to examine the insights that it doesn’t directly mention. For example, how long do you think it took for the servant to go and find Rivkah and return to Isaac? They didn’t fly or go by train! It was a long way for them to travel – by camel in a caravan. Perhaps they did 8 miles a day, so that it could have taken a year. Isaac was 37 when his mother Sarah died, and if he got married at 40, we know how long he had to wait near her empty tent. From this, we can deduce that Isaac was a calm, patient person, not a go-getter; instead, he was low-key, totally the opposite of his father, Abraham. Then, when the servant went to find a wife for Isaac, she had to have certain qualities. We see that when the servant prayed, he didn’t pray for her to be a relative or beautiful. From his prayer, we can deduce that he was looking for someone with chesed, someone kind and gracious, who would care about others. What caught my attention was Rivka’s free spirit and great initiative. She didn’t ask others to tell her what to do, and she wasn’t afraid to get up and go when the servant asked her. She had a lot of courage and was secure about herself. Isaac needed such a wife to continue Abraham’s calling of bringing the people of Israel to fruition. Rivkah was exactly that person. But not everything happened in one day. It would take a lot of time. This is hard for us to grasp, especially for us who live in an instant world– the generation of fast food.
After many years had passed, Rivkah wasn’t getting pregnant. She must have prodded Isaac…“Go, ask your God!” Remember, Rivkah was not a believer. She came from a pagan culture with its own gods. Isaac must have spent a lot of time teaching her about the God of his father, Abraham. We can see that she was starting to believe when she asked him to intercede. Our sages tell us that when the Torah speaks of a woman who cannot conceive and later becomes pregnant, it means that this will be a special child. This pattern will be repeated throughout the Scriptures.
Finally, Isaac’s prayers were answered; however, Rivkah had a lot of problems with her pregnancy. So, this time, she went on her own to “inquire of the LORD”! (Gen. 25:22b) revealing that Isaac did an excellent job of teaching her about his God. Immediately, Rivkah receives a “revelation” about the twins – the older would serve the younger, but why didn’t she share this revelation with her husband, Isaac?
Although they were twins, each had a very different character, and this is where we see Isaac and Rivkah’s first mistake – each had their favorite, and didn’t hide it. This caused division in their home, as it would in any home. Isaac preferred Esau because he was everything that he was not … a hunter, independent, a go-getter. On the other hand, Rivkah, who was strong and a go-getter, was drawn to her son, Jacob; he was the opposite of her … like Isaac – he liked to stay at home. Whenever parents show favoritism, it creates a crisis at home. The biggest mistake Rivkah made, however, was lying to her husband, Isaac. She also made Jacob an accomplice in this deception. She pitted one son against the other, making Jacob Esau’s enemy.
Both Sarah and Rivkah were strong women, but notice that Abraham Avinu never prayed for Sarah to have a child; perhaps because she was too old, and Abraham thought it was impossible. He did, however, ask God for descendants, so when Sarah, who knew that she was well past her childbearing years, brought Hagar to him, Abraham might have thought that this was part of God’s plan. Isaac on the other hand, did intercede for his wife. Rivkah was young, so the miracle had nothing to do with her age; God would open her womb. However, both women decided to give the Creator a helping hand in fulfilling His plan. Since God had revealed His plan to Rivkah, she might have thought she was within her rights to devise a scheme to secure the inheritance and the blessing for Jacob. Both Sarah and Rivkah had overheard God’s plans and couldn’t wait.
Jacob, however, was very afraid of the consequences of this deception, but Rivkah assured him that she would take the curse upon herself. This is precisely what happened, since once Jacob ran away from Esau, we never hear about her again, not when she died nor where she was buried. It was as if she were erased from the map. Her intentions were good, but the way she manipulated the circumstances to get things to go the right way was not. If she had trusted Isaac, her husband, she would have told him God’s revelation and how Esau sold his birthright for a bowl of soup… how little he cared about it. Isaac was capable of understanding. What can we learn from this? Even if we believe in the Creator, our backgrounds and our upbringings are so strong that they can still influence us to do the wrong thing because we are so accustomed to that type of understanding. Rivkah came from a home where deception was the norm. In her experience, it was better to keep things to herself, to be complicit in the deception. Later, we will see how her brother Lavan treated Jacob, promising him Rachel but giving him Leah on their wedding night. He repeated this behavior time and again in every situation. He never told him the truth.
In Rivkah’s understanding, it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission. She was used to that. We can learn a lot from the mistakes of Isaac and Rivkah. If we are not obedient to the Creator and insist on doing things our way, we suffer the consequences. The Creator doesn’t take away our freedom to be ourselves; He allows us to make our own choices, but He has given us values to put into practice. Every culture has different values, which at times are not the best, and we need to examine them and work on them little by little. Some cultures teach us that what we appear to be is more important than who we are. That is deception, but we constantly play that game, especially in today’s politics, where politicians try to be accepted by everyone while putting on 1001 faces. Both Rivkah and Jacob played that game, and in doing so, almost destroyed God’s plans.
Another thing that we learn from this story, and which will continue to develop, is that all our biblical heroes are very human. There are no superheroes in the Torah; instead, they are people with whom we can identify. We can admit that we do almost the same thing. We can learn from them and be careful not to make the same mistakes. When we learn from the Torah, believe it or not, our home life improves because our values improve. We start working on our own issues, which in psychology is called “catharsis.” We distance ourselves from the things that hold us back and renew our values. Maybe where we used to live, those values were acceptable, but now we know better and don’t need to hold onto poor habits that have become second nature.
What things are we bringing from our past that are stumbling blocks to growth and improvement? I know someone who once said, “I will never change…over my dead body! I will never surrender.” I have seen the results of that statement. That attitude has destroyed her life. It is one thing never to surrender your faith in the Creator, but quite another to surrender your bad habits and ideas from the past. Being a counsellor, a friend of mine asked me to help him with his addiction to stop smoking. He said he tried everything. Sometimes we have an addiction that is hard to let go of, but the first step is to discover what we are covering up or what we don’t want to deal with. Behind an addition is usually something that we are running away from. Have you seen what an ostrich does when it is running away from a lion? The ostrich can outrun most enemies, but it buries its head in the sand, where it believes that nothing can happen because it can’t see anything. That’s when the lion has its best turkey dinner! How many of us do the exact same thing? When we face issues that seem insurmountable, we decide not to deal with them, as if ignoring the problem will make it go away.
Rivkah didn’t mention any of these things to Isaac and tried to do things in her own way, thinking that everything would turn out well. Her greatest mistake was not to trust her husband. It takes two to tango. Ladies, you are in a partnership with your husbands; you are not alone. Maybe you do know better and are more capable, but I advise you to share your concerns with them. Husbands, I recommend that you be smart and listen to your wives. They have a lot to tell you.
Rivkah and Isaac would have saved a lot of trouble, both for them and for many generations that came after them, if they had trusted each other and in the Bore Olam. The Torah gives us so many examples of the heroes of our faith, who were not perfect, but the one thing we see over and over again in Scriptures is that the Creator never abandoned them, despite all their mistakes.
Shabbat Shalom
Ranebi, Rabbi Netanel ben Yochanan Z” l