Can the Torah help us to heal from our past?
In Parashat Toledot, we learn about two special brothers, Jacob and Esau – their upbringing and the relationships with their parents, whose issues and mistakes led to a dysfunctional family. No matter how dysfunctional they were, the stories in the Torah are meant to teach us principles that the Creator has given us to apply to our lives. It is important to know that the Torah is not chronological. For example, in chapter 25, Isaac was 40 when he married Rivkah (Rebekah), and soon we read that Rivkah gave birth to twins when he was 60. It doesn’t tell us what happened during those 20 years; then, suddenly, we read about the twins struggling in her womb, which is followed by Esau’s loss of his birthright when they were grown men. In the next chapter, Isaac faced another famine, forcing them to travel south to Gerar. There the Creator told him not to go down to Egypt but to remain where they were and then to return. Isaac committed the same mistake as his father by lying to Abimelech, claiming that Rebecca was not his wife. Obviously they had no children because King Abimelech wouldn’t have paid any attention to her.
We often read the Torah without taking the time to delve into what isn’t directly mentioned. For example, how long do you think it took the servant to find Rivkah and return to Isaac? They didn’t fly or go by train! It was a long way to travel by camel in a caravan. If they did 8 miles a day, it might have taken a year.
Isaac was 37 when his mother Sarah died, and if he got married at 40, that was a long time to wait near her empty tent. From this, we can deduce that Isaac was a calm, patient man, unlike his father, Abraham, who quickly took action. When the servant went to find a wife for Isaac, we see from his prayers that she had to have certain qualities. It’s interesting that he didn’t pray for her to be a relative or for her to be beautiful; rather, he was looking for someone with “chesed”, someone gracious and kind, who would care about others. Rivka’s free spirit and great initiative caught my attention. She didn’t ask others what to do, and wasn’t afraid to get up and go immediately when the servant asked her. She was courageous and secure in herself. Isaac needed a wife like Rivkah to bring Abraham’s calling to fruition. But nothing happens in a day. It would take a lot of time. This is hard for us to grasp, especially for us who live in an instant world– the generation of fast food.
After many years had passed, Rivkah was not getting pregnant and must have prodded Isaac, “…Go, ask your God!” Remember, Rivkah was not a believer. She came from a pagan culture that had its own gods. Isaac must have spent a long time teaching her about the God of his father, Abraham. We can see that she was beginning to believe when she asked him to intercede. Our sages tell us that when the Torah speaks of a woman who cannot conceive and soon becomes pregnant, it means that this would be a special child. This pattern would be repeated throughout the Scriptures.
Finally, Isaac’s prayers were answered, but Rivkah had a lot of problems with her pregnancy. So, this time she went on her own to “inquire of the LORD” (Gen. 25:22b), revealing that Isaac had done an excellent job teaching her about his GOD. Immediately, Rivkah receives the “revelation” about the twins – that the older would serve the younger. The question arises: why didn’t she share this revelation with Isaac? He was her husband.
Although they were twins, each had a very different character, and this is where we see Isaac and Rivkah’s first mistake – each had their favorite, and didn’t hide it. This caused division in their home, as it would in any home. Isaac preferred Esau because he was everything that he was not … a hunter, independent, a go-getter. On the other hand, Rivkah, who was strong and decisive, was drawn to her son, Jacob; he was her opposite and, like Isaac, he liked to stay at home. Whenever parents show favoritism, it creates a crisis within the home. The biggest mistake Rivkah made, however, was lying to her husband. She also made Jacob an accomplice in this deception. She pitted one son against the other, making Jacob Esau’s enemy.
Both Sarah and Rivkah were strong women, but notice that Abraham Avinu never prayed for Sarah to have a child; perhaps because she was too old, and Abraham thought it was impossible. He did, however, ask God for descendants, so when Sarah, who knew that she was well past her childbearing years, brought Hagar to him, Abraham might have thought that this was part of God’s plan. Isaac on the other hand, did intercede for his wife. Rivkah was young, so the miracle had nothing to do with her age; God would open her womb. However, both women decided to give the Creator a helping hand in fulfilling His plan. Since God had revealed His plan to Rivkah, she might have thought she was within her rights to devise a scheme to secure Jacob’s inheritance and blessing. Both Sarah and Rivkah had overheard God’s plans and couldn’t wait.
Jacob, however, was afraid of the consequences of this deception, but Rivkah assured him that she would take the curse upon herself, and this is precisely what happened. Once Jacob ran away from Esau, we never hear about her again, not when she died nor where she was buried. It was as if she were erased from the map. Her intentions were good, but the way she manipulated circumstances to make things go the right way was not. If she had trusted her husband Isaac, she would have told him God’s revelation and how little Esau cared about his birthright, selling it for a bowl of stew.
Isaac was capable of understanding. What can we learn from this? Even if we believe in the Creator, our backgrounds and upbringings are so strong that they can still lead us to do the wrong thing because we are so accustomed to that way of thinking. Rivkah came from a home where deception was the norm. In her experience, it was better to keep things to herself and to be complicit in the deception. Later, we will see how her brother Lavan treated Jacob, promising him Rachel but giving him Leah on their wedding night. He repeated this behavior time and again in every situation. He never told him the truth.
In Rivkah’s understanding, it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission. She was used to that. We can learn a lot from the mistakes of Isaac and Rivkah. If we are not obedient to the Creator and insist on doing things our way, we suffer the consequences. The Creator doesn’t take away our freedom to be ourselves; He allows us to make our own choices, but He has given us values to put into practice. Every culture has different values, some of which are not the best, and we need to examine and work on them little by little. Some cultures teach us that outward appearance is more important than showing who we are. That is deception, but we constantly play that game, especially when politicians try to be accepted by everyone while putting on 1001 faces. Both Rivkah and Jacob played that game, and in doing so, almost destroyed God’s plans.
Another thing that we learn from this story, and which will continue to develop, is that all our biblical heroes are very human. There are no superheroes in the Torah; they are people with whom we can identify, so we can admit that we do the same things. It helps us to learn from them and be careful not to make the same mistakes. When we learn from the Torah, believe it or not, our home life improves because our values improve. We start working on our own issues, which in psychology is called “catharsis.” We distance ourselves from what holds us back, and we change our values. Maybe those values were acceptable in the past, but now we know better, and we don’t need to hold onto poor habits that have simply become second nature.
What are we bringing from our past that is a stumbling block to our growth and improvement? I know someone who once said, “I will never change…over my dead body! I will never surrender.” That attitude has destroyed their life. It is one thing never to surrender your faith in the Creator, but quite another to surrender our bad habits and belief systems from the past. Being a counsellor, a friend of mine asked me to help him with his addiction to stop smoking. He said he tried everything. Sometimes we have an addiction that is hard to let go of, but the first step is to discover what we are covering up or what we don’t want to deal with. Behind any addiction is usually something that we are running away from.
When we face issues that seem insurmountable, we can decide not to deal with them, as if ignoring the problem will make it go away. Rivkah didn’t mention any of these things to Isaac and tried to do things in her own way, thinking that everything would turn out well. Her greatest mistake was not to trust her husband. It takes two to tango. Ladies, you are in a partnership with your husbands; you are not alone. Maybe you do know better and are more capable, but I advise you to share your concerns with them. Husbands, I recommend that you be smart and listen to your wives. They have a lot to tell you.
Rivkah and Isaac would have saved themselves and future generations a lot of trouble if they had trusted each other and in the Bore Olam, the Creator. The Torah gives us so many examples of the heroes of our faith, who were not perfect, but we see over and over again in the Scriptures that our Creator never abandoned them despite all their mistakes.
Shabbat Shalom
Ranebi,
Rabbi Netanel ben Yochanan Z” l